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05-08-22 1:28am
life. meaning. identity. and stuffs.

there's some things i feel like i could never say to anyone because it would probably end me up in a padded cell somewhere. how i have all these ideas about life and existence and how everything works with all the different realms and realities and creatures and gods and everything in between, how i feel like i'm never alone in a room and there's something in my vents and in my mirrors and outside my window and on my ceiling, how there's no such thing as a coincidence and the signs are everywhere, how i believe my cat was sent to me as my guardian angel and my dreams are real and take place in another plane of existence - and how i must have been chosen in some way to be aware of all of this.

to me life just feels so.... big. that's the only way i can describe it. being alive is such a gift and i don't want to waste it. i feel like most people lose this as they grow up but i've carried it with me since i was a kid. life is magical and you need to stop and realize that sometimes. i know i have an unusual way of seeing and interpreting things, i know i'm paranoid about some stuff and sometimes straight up delusional, but i like it, i acknowledge the little nods and winks the universe gives me here and there, i feel connected to something bigger than me, and i like it. some days it freaks me right out but some days i can't help but like it!

i think i've found someone that doesn't think i'm crazy for feeling this way about things and for that i feel very lucky. i don't want to be too much but it all just feels perfect right now and i don't know how i didn't see it before. i guess this is what this whole thing is about... right? understanding and feeling understood in return? mutual acknowledgment of one another's journey through life? it's very rare for me to trust anyone with anything so i don't really know what to do with myself. i suppose relationships are bound to be a bit difficult when you have all these internal conflicts to deal with first.