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20-10-22 9:53pm

ugh... where did all this neediness come from? i want to go back to my closed-off secretive and aloof days where i would go months without proper social interaction and be fine with it. nowadays i feel like i'm always fighting for attention. where i used to be the message-ignorer i am now the message-ignoree. this cannot continue. i can't need people! i can't. that's weak. it makes me scared. i feel deeply and i fear that others don't match me on that level. i don't trust them to. i hate heartfelt conversations and lovey-dovey confessions but i need some confirmation and i don't know how to ask for it. i won't ask for it. i know this is not a healthy way to think but i can't help it.

"hey, i don't hate you, i am not secretly plotting against you, i am not talking behind your back, i don't think you're stupid, i don't think you're weird, i love you, i still love you, i will continue to love you even though you're fucked up." perhaps a message along the lines of that would settle down my paranoias. but then again, i wouldn't trust them to actually have meant any of it.