i lied about being better about blogging this year. yes. i lied. sorry. it doesn't matter because no one reads this. there's been things happening so i haven't had the chance to just sit down and vomit my thoughts out in a while, but i'm here now. 4am. sigh. let's chat for a bit. i don't know how i feel about some things and some people. there are some decisions i need to make and paths i need to decide if i want to go down or not but the truth is i don't want to deal with any of it. the truth is i want to be moss on a rock. i want to be bacteria. i want to be a wild weed. something that doesn't need to make all these important life decisions. but then i wouldn't get to experience all this beautiful life... you're right. being human is a conundrum.

i feel like i don't know how to love. i think that i love [thing] and that [thing] is what i need in my life, i want to obtain [thing] and surround myself with it, i believe that [thing] will make me happy and bring me joy, but then i get [thing]... i have it in my hands... and it's cool and all but it's not like i imagined. maybe i built it up too much in my head? i feel like i'm not appreciating it enough. try harder. and then [thing] actively starts making me mad. this should be making me happy, why am i not happy? is there something wrong with me? hmm... and then i come to the conclusion that no, it must be [thing] that's wrong, not me. somehow i must have ended up with the wrong [thing]... and then i am left with this [thing] that is wrong for me and i don't know what to do with it. even worse is when the [thing] isn't even a [thing], but a [person]. do you understand?

this is what i wrote in my notes: "it's good for a bit and then it's bad again, and sometimes when it's bad i can pretend it's still good, but sometimes i can't and people notice and then bad becomes worse. gah. don't know what to do." -__- people are too complex. i like video game characters better. especially when i have beaten the video game six times already and have memorized all the dialogue options. ah well. i guess i will go to sleep now. may you find your [thing] or [person] that is right for you... i know i'm trying.