today i read my mom's diary from the 90's. there's nothing weirder in this world than getting a look into what your parents were like when they were your age. some parts were funny but some parts made me sad. she wrote a lot about having no money - lots of lists, budgeting plans, working and studying at the same time yet still barely being able to afford food. in one entry she wrote about sneaking out with her sister for ice cream while her dad was watching tv - and then the next entry was months later, a list of her spendings, one of them being "dad's tombstone". i don't know how she read the whole thing without getting emotional. i gave her a hug, went to the bathroom and cried.

here's an entry that i found amusing (translated by me): "11.04.1992, i was disappointed with myself today. if only i could be a smart, well-behaved, thoughtful girl. i give and give but when it comes to myself, i'm lacking. [boy] dropped me off at [place] on thursday, and as if there's no one else in the entire world for me, it immediately gave me butterflies. on friday i was literally flirting with him. i asked him out to the movies because i couldn't find anyone else to see this movie with me. we went to see SILENCE OF THE LAMBS on saturday and i understood then that he was not worthy of me. i want someone that takes care of themselves, and i don't know, he was fine, but his jeans were kind of dirty. i know what's important is personality, but still, i just know i'm not for him. i need someone with a little more grace. please god, let me find the boyfriend that i want or i will lose my mind."

i wonder if there will be anyone to read all this stuff i'm writing here decades later. what if the world doesn't even exist in another couple decades? thinking about the future is terrifying. i love my family and i'll be very sad the day i lose them. no need to think about that right now and make myself cry. damn it. it's already happening. ugh. goodbye for now my dear diary. i promise to keep writing this. i want there to be something left of me.