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15-05-23 8:11pm
the lonely blogger seems to free her mind at night

i read through my entire blog today. i started reading because i wanted to have an idea of what i last wrote before starting to type another update but then i ended up reading all of my posts in reverse chronological order. weird feeling! but this is exactly the reason i keep this blog, to be able to look back and see what was happening in my life at a certain point, how i felt about certain events and how my relationship with certain people evolved. it puts a smile on my face to read "it's starting to get warm again" after having read "the weather is getting colder" a couple entries back. life happens and we never stop to take notice. recently a thought i've had is that i've only lived through 20 summers and 20 winters so far... which is not that many in the grand scheme of things. i have only been on this earth for 7,556 days. i think it puts some things in perspective to look at it that way. also wow, my posts have gotten significantly longer since i started first writing here! i think that's a good thing?

i also randomly decided to check if there was any new responses to my sleepytime survey and i saw that someone left a note saying they find my blog funny and relatable! wow! such a small thing but seeing that people actually read these entries makes me happy. the default setting in my mind always is that nobody cares so when someone shows that they actually do, fireworks go off in my brain. so if you're the person that left that comment: hi :3 also i think the penguin livestream i had embedded on my homepage is not live anymore so i'll have to find something else to put there. i'll get to it when i get around to working on my website again... i would like for it to not be "under construction" one day but i don't know if that'll ever happen.

now for some updates on my life... the semester is almost over and i'm so ready for summer. i can't believe i'm already halfway through university. time moves way too fast. the elections happened yesterday. nobody won. there'll be a runoff in two weeks but ummm... it's not looking good. i don't know why i care so much. anyway... remember in my last post i wrote that i shyed away from drinking by myself? a couple days after that i went and had a beer or two with my friend at the exact same spot. not planned, it just kind of happened. also had a funny encounter that most likely will not be funny if i write it out so i won't, but you'll just have to believe me. there were laughs. i think i understand the appeal of alcohol but i also understand that it's bad for me, so i will continue to drink only with other people. [thumbs up]

what else... um. i kind of had a breakdown on the night that connected friday to saturday. i decided to just not go to sleep, which is almost always a bad idea, and then some emotions came out of me about something that i thought i was fine about but apparently i was not. what are we going to do with these trust issues huh? just learn to live with it? i guess so. but i talked it out and then it was fine. just a little "it's over ... we're back" moment. also a little slip up in my perfect sleep schedule. i feel like this is something that i'll really need to dig deep on at some point but for now i will just say shit happens and move on. the next morning looking back i thought i was being really dramatic, so there's that. i can smell the cigarette smoke from my brother's room as i type this. no one is okay with him smoking but my parents are "letting it slide" because he's dealing with exam stress and stuff. i call bullshit, but whatever. it's not my lungs. thank you for reading my post. i'm looking at you with loving eyes behind your computer screen.