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27-05-23 8:20pm
is this what you wanted?

my darling diary. when i initally started writing this post on thursday i started crying because i couldn't remember most of last week. i think something changed in me this month. last couple of weeks i've been feeling depressed cause i could not solidify something in my head and every time i brought it up and "talked it out" it wasn't right, not what i was looking for, yet i would convince myself and consider it fixed, only for the same feelings to hit me again in a couple of days. couple of hours sometimes. that's why there's been a ~yesterday i had a breakdown again~ in every entry i post lately and how it's ~totally all fine now for realsies this time~. last thursday i finally had the conversation i've been trying to have for months and i think it made something click in my head cause i haven't really thought about it since.

on thursday when i tried to write this out i got stuck on the fact that i've been feeling so brain foggy and started thinking there must be something wrong with me, not putting together that i've been feeling that way because of this one thing. i'll just let you read it.

"i don't really remember anything from last week. i just read back some messages to see when my last breakdown was and it was last thursday. i hate that almost every new entry i write here i talk about a new breakdown i had. but i think it's fine now. last thursday i had a long conversation. some things just had to click in my head and i think that broke the cycle. it doesn't matter now because i haven't even thought about any of that this week... as far as i can remember. god my memory is so fucking bad. i think i really do need help with my brain. last week i was feeling depressed. i can't really pinpoint why. i hate that i can't. it feels like my brain does not work and it's making me want to cry. i started writing this post to talk about all the things i've been doing but i don't think i can. maybe it wasn't the right time yet to start talking about this stuff... ugh. yeah i can't do this right now. i'll continue later. i don't know what i'm feeling but it doesn't feel good."

so yeah. that was last week. leaving that behind me now. this week has been pretty eventful. i've actually been going outside, can you believe it? by myself and also with my friend. on sunday i went to a park by the sea and just walked around, listened to music, drank a couple beverages (coffee and an energy drink, watermelon monster is like a 7/10 btw, i'll do a monster tier list one of these days but i'm also trying to cut back so maybe not), sat by myself and people-watched. i spent the whole day there. it's a good place to hang out alone because there's trees and stuff but it's also close to the sea, and there's lots of shops plus a starbucks nearby so i can buy whatever i need and use the bathroom for free. then on monday i "repierced" my mostly closed earlobe piercing with an earring and then went out to go to the thrift shop and have coffee again and also get epic new jewelry for all my piercings. i found lots of clothes at the thrift shop and also a hatsune miku tray which i unfortunately did not purchase but lovingly stared at for at least 20 minutes in line.

on tuesday i did nothing but on wednesday i went out with my friend. the plan was to get drunk but it did not end up happening. i was going to meet up with her at 7pm and have a couple drinks but some things went wrong so when we finally did meet we did not have a lot of time, and we could only have one drink each before it was time to head home. i kept saying "but i don't want to go home yet" on the ferry ride back but i knew i had to. my friend and i promised each other that we would go out again on friday to make up for the failure that was this night. we made a whole plan. when it was time to leave i had this weird feeling in my chest, and on the train home i felt like i was about to cry. but then... a genius idea... i should just buy more alcohol before i get home to get drunk by myself! wow. but i knew i had to be sneaky about it cause my mom has a very strict -no alcohol at home- policy and also my dad would be waiting for me when i got off the train to take me home. so i just got off at a random stop and started walking around, looking for any place that i could purchase alcohol. it was around 11pm so almost every shop was closed but i knew there just had to be something somewhere still open. this is very unlike me. i don't really know what prompted me to act this way. my only theory is that i had an idea of how my night was going to go and when it didn't go as planned, i just kept trying to make it happen.

after some walking around, right when i was about to give up i finally found a place that was still open and my god, i'm sure you could have just seen my eyes light up. i walked over with full confidence to purchase one (1) bottle of beer. i know. of course i wasn't going to get drunk with one beer but that wasn't even the point, i just felt like i needed to do something a little more... does that make sense? i paid for my beer, hid it in my bag, and without really any second thought i started to run back to the train station. i didn't think i felt anything from that one drink but i guess it must've given me enough of a kick for me to just start running for no real reason. i held onto my bag and ran down two blocks, ignoring the people staring as i whizzed right past them. this is what i was listening to on my headphones. i should have probably felt a bit more unsafe than i did. then i got on the train, suffered through the interminable couple stops till i could get off, found my dad waiting for me by the station, and finally got home. i poured the bottle into a thermos to conceal it just in case anyone wanted to barge into my room and sprayed some perfume in the air just in case there was any way they could smell it. i simply did not want to deal with anything. i knew that my dad would be cool with it but i also knew that it would upset my mom. she feels strongly about this stuff, and i get it, but what she doesn't know can't hurt her. then i talked on discord for the rest of the night while i took the tiniest sips because, shocker, the beer i blindly chose didn't taste all that great. i did finish it though. i don't know if by the end of it i actually felt anything from it or just tired. yes, i'm very aware that i sound like a little child. i'm aware that this is all cringe but i still feel the need to document it. refer to the quote on the homepage of this website.

thursday was not particularly evenful. but yesterday was the big day. the day of the plan. i actually still feel nauseous from last night so i don't know if i really want to talk about it just yet. i think i'll make a separate post for it tomorrow? sorry to leave you hanging if you actually care about my life story... but just thinking about it is making me feel like i'm going to throw up again and this post is long enough already. ugh i feel bad. maybe i should treat myself and order some food? no. i've got to stop looking for external things to make me feel better again when i feel down. it's like an endless cycle. whoever invented this knew what they were doing. i spent so much money this week. stupid stupid stupid. i'll try to be normal for a while now... no alcohol no energy drinks no ordering food. yes. it's the last week of the semester next week and then i have my finals so i need to get my shit together anyway. okay. thank you for reading my post. i'll try to write about friday tomorrow when it's less fresh in my mind and also my stomach.