it's a scary thought, i will literally give up everything in my life right now if you tell me to. i say this in a semi-poetic way but i genuinely wonder how far it could be pushed. it feels like my whole way of being and thinking has shifted, rational brain has been turned off and we are now running on animal logic. i think this was always bound to happen with the type of person that i am and the type of person that i've subconsciously been chasing my whole life, i don't think i am meant for a normal existence, after trial and errors of "perhaps you understand, he doesn't understand", this time i jumped right into the rabbit hole without a second thought and i plan on riding the slide all the way down. there's something special here. i know i asked "is this normal?" but i take it back, i realized i don't care to know the answer to that question. who cares man! will you kill for me! say yes!

i keep thinking i've written out my feelings in the most deranged way possible but then i find an even more deranged way of describing it. not sure where the line between poetry and reality lays at this point. how far can she push it? i'm trying to see if this provides me with an infinite dose of plausible deniability, just saying crazy things and claiming i said it all in the name of art. the art of blogging. i AM a writer! you think you're just reading the journal of a silly not-teenage-anymore girl, but the point you're missing is that this is all performance art baby! how does that feel! if you think my posts have gotten more insane over the past couple of weeks, it's only because they reflect my mental state. ok. i'm going to sleep.