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01-09-23 2:20am
this summer i turned into a new person

so um. september. it's officially september since two hours and twenty minutes ago. i look at this summer as a turning point, a lot has changed, it feels like my whole life has, and it's still continuing to change, and it's all for the better. i turn 21 in six days. i feel like 21 is the ultimate age to be. kids want to grow up and be 21 and older people want to go back in time and be 21. school doesn't start till october so i still have some time to mess around. this sunday i'm going on that vacation with my friend. remember? it was a lot of back and forth and yes and no and yes and no but it's finally going to happen. i think. i'm trying very hard to resist the urge to just let myself stay in my comfortable bubble forever and avoid avoid avoid anything new and different and scary and exciting. small steps towards stopping being so afraid of life. actually i think i've already unintentionally been putting myself through extensive exposure therapy for the past couple of months. praise me for this. say wow, nice, good job etc. thaaanks.

some things did happen this month but i don't think i have any reason to write them down here. um... i started swimming again! i had to buy a bunch of new swimwear because none of my swimsuits fit me properly but i'm kind of glad because the new stuff i got is really cute. i can mostly swim okay and i can hold my breath for almost two minutes if i really try. i'm working on it and i think i'm getting better. trying to build routines. i read something about routines the other week, how it makes you a happier person to have a set routine and stuff. it made me want to get my life back in order. you know, the sudden motivation to fix everything in your life that only hits around 3am. i'll link the page here and you can read it too if you want to know what i'm talking about. i'm also trying to keep the scale under 50. just because. don't say anything.

i spent yesterday with my family and it was nice. i saw a couple squirrels. i'll go to the eye doctor on saturday to get a new prescription and this time i will actually do something with it and go buy glasses/contacts. idk yet which one. maybe i'll have both. i'll also ask about eye surgery but that most likely will not happen. too freaking scary! and expensive and not worth it probably. i was pacing around the living room for about half an hour before i started writing this. i'm sure i look insane from the outside but i think it calms me. yeah! i basically have not worked at all on that one song that i said would be finished by now since i got the main thing done. i want to go back and polish it but idk! no motivation! it'll come to me when it comes to me, like it always does. i guess this is the end of the post... so ummm... oh okay you're leaving? you're closing the tab. okay. okay by-