24-11-22 3:34pm
i deserve a little rest

what i love the most in this world is doing absolutely NOTHING and it sucks that it's seen as laziness when this is the ideal state of being for humans. it's true, science says it. i didn't go to school today... and i'm also not going to school tomorrow... which then connects to the weekend... so that is four whole days of resting. society doesn't want to give me a break but i'm taking it anyway because yesterday was a lot for little old me. it started at 4am with an EARTHQUAKE. yes. earthquake. i was sleeping like everyone else when i started hearing this weird sound like something was hitting my window. in my half-awake state i thought maybe it was hailing or something so i just laid in my bed and stared at my window like o_o until the noises stopped. i tried to just go back to sleep for a little bit but couldn't so i got up and found my parents already up and watching the news, all covering the same thing. i didn't really feel the shaking so it didn't even register in my head what had happened until i saw it on the news. i went to school a couple hours after that and of course it was all everyone was talking about. it wasn't anything that serious but it still kind of... shook all of us. no pun intended.

after my class i met up with my friend and we went to the thrift shop again and shared a cup of coffee and then spent the evening being silly at a big playground while it rained. she fell off a swing and i laughed at her instead of helping because i'm a bad friend. on the train ride home i had an uncontrollable coughing fit which was embarassing because everyone totally thought that i had covid. after getting off the train and walking in the rain some more, i finally got home, got some food in me and tucked myself in at 10pm. i decided right then that there was no way i would go to school tomorrow. i had a dream that me and a bunch of other people were kidnapped by the devil and while everyone else was planning on how to escape, i betrayed my group and became the devil's side piece instead. i have a lot of dreams about bad people wanting to hurt me but i end up joining their team instead. i don't know what that means. i slept for about 10 hours but i feel like i could have slept for a good 14 if it wasn't for not wanting to ruin this half decent sleep schedule my morning classes have given me. my shoulders are so sore because i was carrying my brick of a russian textbook all day in my backpack yesterday. aaagggh. pain. but i shouldn't waste my precious free time whining. today's objective is to have fun and relax. ok. i'll write more later.

17-11-22 9:14pm
BAD DAY

today wasn't so great. okay i'll be honest with you, today SUCKED. it was just one of those days where nothing went right. i woke up and immediately just felt horrible. i didn't want to leave my bed because i knew i had 5 (!) consecutive hours of classes ahead of me, but i had already skipped one class this week and another the week before and i didn't want my parents to think i was starting to slack off. i felt so bad throughout the whole ride to school that i just felt like crying. poor little me. my life is sooo hard.

imaginary soapville blog entries reader: but soap, people have to do this every day just to earn a living to survive, don't you think you're being a little dramatic?
my hypothetical response to that hypothetical question: NO, alright?! just because other people have it worse doesn't mean i can't complain! AGHH!

i wrote this in my notes at 9:32am: "this is so bad. i wish i had just listened to my gut and stayed at home today. everything is so wrong. i feel terrible. ugh. and i think i'm getting sick. why is god doing this to me." that was right before i went into my interpreting class. luckily it's a class i actually enjoy so by the time it ended i wasn't feeling as horrible. then i had two hours of russian... which was alright... though by the end of it i was kind of just blankly staring into space. and then i was all like, well, at least it's over, time to finally go home... but nope, because i somehow managed to get on the wrong bus. i need you to understand, at this point i was so incredibly desperate to just get home already, eat something, cuddle with my cat and put this day behind me, so when i realized this it literally felt like a cosmic middle finger for me specifically. actually i'm 100% sure i got on the RIGHT bus, but for some reason the bus just decided to not go where it was supposed to go. i have been taking the same bus almost every day for the past almost two years and i KNOW where they all go. it was like some dimensional shift happened while the bus was on the road and it just started going the wrong way. i'm telling you. this kind of thing doesn't just happen. i'm certain it was an elaborate ploy of some kind.

but i did get home after all, i lost about 30 minutes of my time because of the wayward bus but it wasn't the end of the world. ok now so picture this, you're me, you've had a long long day, and yes, right when you thought it was over you got screwed over by god (once again), but you've finally made it home, you're standing in front of the door, you twist the key to unlock it... and you're greeted by the sound of intense drilling coming from right above your head. at this point i wasn't even mad, i just let out a slight chuckle as if to say, alright, i see how it is. the drilling went on for about two hours by which point it had just become ambient noise music for me. i decided i would reward myself with some mcdonalds and... yeah, i dropped my burger on the floor right as i was getting ready to eat it. i don't even know how, it just like... jumped out of my hand. and you know what i did? i picked it up, put it back together, and i ate that burger. i ate it so good. i also spilled some coke on myself a couple moments after that but i'm pretty sure that was just me being clumsy and i don't think i can blame that on god.

so that was my day... i hope yours was better. it did give me something to blog about so i guess it wasn't all bad. and when i had to get off at a random stop when i realized i wasn't on the right bus, i helped a man figure out how busses work around here and possibly saved him from being stranded forever at a bus stop, so maybe it was like... divine intervention... or something. with all of that behind us now, back to the present time, i have an exam tomorrow and i am really really really not feeling like studying for it. i just can't bring myself to. i will be at school two hours before the exam so i'm just leaving it all for future me to figure out right before it starts. it's her problem now. but i will be a good past self and do my part which is just going to sleep now before it gets too late. here's hoping for better tomorrows. gudnight.

15-11-22 11:09pm
she's talking about being tired again?

it's become a bad habit of mine that i keep putting off writing in my blog. it's always in the back of my head, i should update my blog, i should document these things happening to me before i forget them, and then i just don't do it. i'm doing it now so here goes. i've been kind of absent minded lately... last thursday i was walking to the bus stop, the same route i've been taking almost every day for the past year and a half, but this time, for some reason, it didn't register in my brain that i had arrived at the stop and now it was time to stand around and wait, no, i passed right by it and just kept walking. only after a couple minutes with my head in the clouds i realized, wait... where the hell am i... and then i turned around and walked all the way back. this whole thing gave me this weird weird confused feeling that i don't know how to describe. i think it just happened because i've been really stressed. i have only one exam left now so i feel like i can relax a little bit more. i'm secretly hoping that my friend doesn't ask to hang out this week... i love her but i just need a couple days of doing nothing to get my brain back together. i know if i tell this to her she will think it's an excuse so i just need her to not ask me. edit: she did ask me. arg. but maybe this will be good for me.

i'm so tired... so so tired... this tiredness reminds me of when i was depressed during quarantine times. i don't think i'm depressed now but getting out of bed has become very difficult and going to my classes is starting to feel more and more like a chore. the weeks just keep coming and coming and I NEED A BREAK. i miss being a neet sometimes. oh how simple my life was. now it's all too much. no it isn't. i'm just whiny. a whiny baby. ok. i guess i should give you some updates on my life besides being tired. my dad is finally going to get to retire in early 2023 and so i'm happy about that. i'm happy because i will get to spend more time with him but also because seeing him hate this job makes me sad. he deserves a rest. he reminds me of the song dear john by i monster that goes baby... do you read me... i think these numbers are beginning to eat me... sometimes i wish that money wasn't a thing that existed.

i got so bored during class today that i started analyzing my own handwriting. apparently i am intuitive, i want to be noticed, i have strong emotions and big hopes and dreams. me and everybody else on planet earth. my wisdom teeth are starting to finally pop their heads up so i'm constantly feeling around my teeth with my tongue. i hope they will give me super increased bite strength... not that i need it... but it would be cool. and umm... here's a cool picture i took of my tea the other day.

p.s. there should really be an easier way of updating my website on mobile. ok goodnight.

05-11-22 1:03am
mind in a body

(another) tiring week. everything has been piling up making me tired tired tired and i just ignore it and keep going because i have to but at some point it's too much and then i have to deal with all of that tiredness at the same time. i feel like a plant. i feel like a snail. i feel like grass in a park that people step on. i feel like i am just floating through this world, i feel like i'm dreaming, things are not right but i'm the only one noticing it. i feel like i'm in a tv show or a theater play and all i can do is play my role. i'm sure there's also a laugh track that is inaudible to me. simply existing as a human being day to day takes so much out of me and i can't tell if i have a real problem or if i'm being whiny and just need to get over it. maybe it's because i haven't been getting enough sleep. but it's impossible to get enough sleep. sigh. this semester feels like a test of my endurance. song of the night is lonely day by system of a down.

27-10-22 11:21pm
happenings in my life

i think my favorite color has shifted from orange to purple without me realizing. i came to this conclusion at school today when i looked at my purple notebook next to my purple backpack and my purple pencil in my hand with my purple painted nails. either that or it's just because purple is a very safe color and i am subconsciously drawn to it. i bought three new colors of nail polishes the other day and one of them is a cute light purple which is the one on my nails right now. i've always been insecure about having small hands and weird nails but since i've started putting more effort into making them look pretty i think it's made me become more confident. so yay for nail polish. i also bought cat ears off the internet and they are so cutie. i got them because of an inside joke but i actually enjoy wearing them so i guess it's not a joke anymore :3c

the past two days have been so very tiring. yesterday i was with my friend who i hadn't seen in so long because i was sick and then she was sick and then some other things but we finally caught up yesterday and went to the thrift shop and hung out and it was loads of fun. i have the most fun when i'm with her even when we are doing something silly like smelling random bottles of hair cream in the drugstore. and today i had 4 hours of russian so my brain has been turned into mashed potatoes. feeling like i've died a thousand deaths. i was on a call with dear friend number two just now and i told him i feel like a piece of coral in an underwater nursing home. he understood. i hope you also understand.

20-10-22 9:53pm
blah

ugh... where did all this neediness come from? i want to go back to my closed-off secretive and aloof days where i would go months without proper social interaction and be fine with it. nowadays i feel like i'm always fighting for attention. where i used to be the message-ignorer i am now the message-ignoree. this cannot continue. i can't need people! i can't. that's weak. it makes me scared.

i feel deeply and i fear that others don't match me on that level. i don't trust them to. i hate heartfelt conversations and lovey-dovey confessions but i need some confirmation and i don't know how to ask for it. i won't ask for it. i know this is not a healthy way to think but i can't help it.

"hey, i don't hate you, i am not secretly plotting against you, i am not talking behind your back, i don't think you're stupid, i don't think you're weird, i love you, i still love you, i will continue to love you even though you're fucked up." perhaps a message along the lines of that would settle down my paranoias. but then again, i wouldn't trust them to actually have meant any of it.

17-10-22 9:34am
i'm back! (i was never really gone)

i am backkk once again... i changed my blog layout to a more basic (and arguably uglier) one because the other one was getting kind of old. i just needed something new and exciting to get me inspired about this stuff again and that just happened to be green titles and yellow text. embracing chaos. this is how it will be. it's been too long since i've written a proper blog post... where to start where to start...

ok so, my wisdom teeth, right? it got infected and it hurt very badly and then it went away. i went to the dentist again and she was like, "be patient" and i was like, "okay". so i'm being patient with my teeth. my all-morning-classes schedule has been working out pretty well so far. i'm home every day by 1pm (except for thursdays... damn thursdays) and i have all the rest of the day for myself. another good thing about it: i get to my classes at least half an hour early so every morning i have some time to study/do any homework i have, which means i don't have to do as much work at home >:) it's a win win win situation. waking up early is not fun but i think it's good for me. i have not picked skating back up yet but i will some time in the future. i will! i've just been busy. i'll know when the time is right. and remember all my talk about september...? i now have january to look forward to. what's happening in january you ask? you don't need to know. yes i am speaking in code in my own personal journal and you're just going to have to forgive me for that.

time travel back to today... it's monday... and monday sucks. i burned my mouth because i didn't realize how hot my tea still was. this class is a waste of time. i'm not learning anything and i fully believe this is the teacher's fault. i think a good teacher can get you interested in anything and excited to learn about stuff you never cared about before ever in your life. example: my british civilization teacher. her energy is contagious. if anyone could get me excited to learn about the british monarchy, it's her. also my interpretation teacher... who convinced me (or should i say, awakened something in me) week one that i want to persue interpretation rather than translation. just seems more fun. also more money $$. my problem now is that i'm finding it hard to get through my translation classes... so 2 out of the five classes i'm taking this semester are a CHORE to get through every single week. but it's fine. i'll just suffer through them. such is life. ok. i'm tired. my eyes hurt. my mouth is burnt. mondays suck. i'm going to stop writing now.

27-09-22 5:08pm
FUCK WISDOM TEETH

CURSE THIS ENTIRE EARTH. at first i thought wow, what a cool concept, extra teeth growing in my mouth, but these past two days have been the worst days of my ENTIRE LIFE. i'm in so much pain and all i can do is hold an ice pack to my face and cry.

FUCK WISDOM TEETH!!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THESE THINGS OUT OF MY MOUTH FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!

14-09-22 2:23pm
end of summer

this summer felt like it went by so quickly yet at the same time like it lasted for at least 3 years. the weather is getting cooler and school starts next monday... everyone's dreading it but i'm kind of excited. i want to actually study and do well this semester. i know people always say that but it's real when i say it ok? you need to believe me. i chose all morning classes for this semester which will either be a blessing or a curse. i'm hoping that maybe being forced to wake up early and go outside every day will help put me on a normal schedule of living and become a normal person again. i reaaally hope this doesn't backfire. if future me is reading this back right now and it did backfire... ummm... sorry :3

i need to go shopping soon because i want to buy some school supplies and a new adapter for my piano and also new boots. my current boots hurt me every time i wear them but i also love them very dearly so i'm hoping to find something that looks and feels similar. i'm in a toxic relationship with my boots and this needs to end. oh and i want padded shorts so i can continue learning to skate without fear of injuring my tailbone again. because it SUCKED when that happened. have you ever fallen flat on your ass on concrete? i have. twice.

okay and what else? ummm... i made a video about aliens taking over the world and uploaded it to youtube yesterday. i came across an old voice recording of myself reading out some stuff from a crazy conspiracy blog and decided that i wanted to make something out of it, so i did. you can check it out here. this is what i've been hyperfixated on for the past two days so i hope my total of two youtube subscribers will appreciate it. it feels good to be making stuff again even if it's something silly like this. happy happy girl. i want to jump up and down.

09-09-22 5:34pm
september

i want to blog about what's been happening and how i've been feeling but i have no idea where to start or how to go about putting it into words. i've had an interesting week. at first it was very scary and confusing, the first night was a mess and it felt like nothing was going according to the plan, silent crying in the bathroom etc etc, but then the sun came up, a couple of cats visited us, we found a new place to stay, and things stopped feeling so wrong. from that point onwards everything all fell into place, i felt loved and cared for and i made nice memories that will stick with me for a long time. looking back now the whole thing just sort of feels like a dream - this feeling i have right now is exactly the way i feel when i try to recall a dream after 12 hours of sleep, some key moments standing out but mostly just a blur. i've had my little adventure and now i'm back, with marks on my chest, a new hoodie, and whole lot of ~experience~. oh and it was my birthday 3 days ago. that was cool too. i went home for the day and ate yummy cake.

september checked off the list. still doesn't feel real.

27-08-22 11:07pm
i'm happy :-)

okay okay so listen because i have some things to tell you... let me start with this: i pay close attention to my dreams and i can't help but notice there are some "rules" to them, like certain things often happening in certain ways. one of those things is that i haven't really been traversing the astral realm normally lately, i'm usually either running to places (sometimes on all fours), flying, or... skating. maybe it's because i have to walk everywhere in my real life so i like being speedy whenever i have the chance. i noticed i'm often waking up from a dream where i was zipping around on skates and wishing that i could do that even when i'm not dreaming... and at this point i should probably mention that it's not rare that i do something just because i dreamed about it... okay do you see where this is going...

my first ever pair of skates finally arrived yesterday and i love them! i'm a complete newbie as i have never done anything even close to this before but i have been watching a million youtube tutorials and i'm slowly getting the hang of it. i think youtube has also caught on to the fact that i am interested in this content now because it keeps tempting me with //how to do super cool tricks on skates\\ videos and i'm just like, stop! i can't even brake yet! those videos make me wish i could just be there already but then i fall on my ass twice in one day and am once again reminded that all is in due time, patience is a virtue, bodhisattva vow etc etc.

and the other thing: muse (maybe my favorite band of all time :c) released a new album yesterday and it's reaally good. i have been looking forward to this album since it was announced and wooow... i recommend you check out the song "we are fucking fucked". i was moping around all bummed out on thursday and now these two things happened and i'm okay again. and guess what, september is almost here so even more exciting things are due to happen. i'm a happy girl today.

20-08-22 11:47am
aahh...

aaaahhh.... i'm in pain...... so much pain....... okay maybe i'm not in PAIN but please just let me complain for a second. i have this dull annoying ache that's constantly in the back of my mouth and it's also swollen a bit so i can't shut my jaw properly and it sucks. A LOT. i literally have to stop myself from complaining about it to everyone around me all the time. i went to the dentist the other day and she basically just said, "yeah, it's your wisdom teeth, the pain is normal, get over it and stop being a little bitch." ...okay she didn't say that. she was actually really nice but i went there hoping for a solution and it felt like all i got was: you will probably be feeling like this for a long time so better get comfortable.

the other day i was surfing the world wide web... and i thought... it's been a long time since i've checked my neocities profile... click... click... and then i saw that this website has over 10.000 views! whaaat?? i don't know how many individual people that is or how much of it is just me but it still caught me off guard. one part of me wants this to stay as my private personal project (ppp) forever but the other part is happy that there are people out there that were at least interested enough to give my website one click. i think that's awesome. i still have so many ideas and things i want to do with this website but i just can't seem to ever get around to it... one day... i will get to it... one day...

i will finish off this entry with a fun fact about me that i also just learned about the other day: i was actually supposed to be born on august 30th but apparently i just didn't want to come out. i wasn't willing to leave behind my blissful swim in the amniotic fluid voluntarily so they had to do a c-section and i was born on september 6th instead. i'm glad that happened because i really like my current birthday and also i got to spend an extra week in my mother's womb. there now, doesn't it feel like we know each other a little better?

05-08-22 1:28am
life. meaning. identity. loveee...?

there's some things i feel like i could never say to anyone because it would probably end me up in a padded cell somewhere. how i have all these ideas about life and existence and how everything works with all the different realms and realities and creatures and gods and everything in between, how i feel like i'm never alone in a room and there's something in my vents and in my mirrors and outside my window and on my ceiling, how there's no such thing as a coincidence and the signs are everywhere, how i believe my cat was sent to me as my guardian angel and my dreams are real and take place in another plane of existence - and how i must have been chosen in some way to be aware of all of this.

to me life just feels so.... big. that's the only way i can describe it. being alive is such a gift and i don't want to waste it. i feel like most people lose this as they grow up but i've carried it with me since i was a kid. life is magical and you need to stop and realize that sometimes. i know i have an unusual way of seeing and interpreting things, i know i'm paranoid about some stuff and sometimes straight up delusional, but i like it, i acknowledge the little nods and winks the universe gives me here and there, i feel connected to something bigger than me, and i like it. some days it freaks me right out but some days i can't help but like it!

i think i've found someone that doesn't think i'm crazy for feeling this way about things and for that i feel very lucky. i don't want to jump the gun but it all just feels so perfect right now and i don't know how i didn't see it before. i guess this is what this whole love thing is about... right? understanding and feeling understood in return? mutual acknowledgment of one another's journey through life...? it's very rare for me to trust anyone with anything so i don't really know what to do with myself. i suppose relationships are bound to be a bit difficult when you have all these internal conflicts to deal with first. SIGH. i am learning a lot about myself through him. september inching closer.

25-07-22 7:52pm
new beginnings

i played the piano for the first time in a long time today. it's a not-that-great-sounding digital piano that's around 5-6 years now and i've been neglecting it for the past couple of months. i don't even know why, i guess i'm just not that excited about it anymore. i think a new piano would really rekindle my passion for it but they're just so crazy expensive. i want a big grand piano and also a pipe organ the size of a room. if a god or something is listening... make it happen. please?

i trimmed my hair yesterday which is something i have been refusing to do for the longest time. i haven't had my hair this long since i was a kid and i think i was hanging onto it just because of that. it didn't look good, the ends felt like straw between my fingers but still i was willing to have dead but long hair rather than healthy but a couple inches shorter hair. i know it's dumb but i have problems. i was washing my hair last night and i just knew that it was time. right after i cut it i was like, why didn't i do this so much sooner, but i know that if i had done it one day before i was ready it wouldn't have felt right. i believe this marks the end or start of something.

25-07-22 12:19am
noisy neighborhood

i don't like the area i live in. it's mostly because of all the noise, not just any noise, it's noise that gives me this weird feeling of dread. a while back almost every single night as i tried to fall sleep i would hear this cat yowling, crying into the night. it sounded pretty close but i could never see anything when i looked out my window. i assume it was the same cat every time, though sometimes i would also hear it fighting with other cats, random echoes of hissing and screeching. i've always thought about getting up and going looking for it one night but i just never did. this kept going for a while until one day it just stopped. i hope it was never in pain.

another thing is people yelling. it always makes me feel horrible. my neighbors (a mom and her two sons) fight almost daily and i can hear every single word of it. very unstable family. just listening to it messes with my head, i can't imagine what it's like actually living in there.

and tonight there was this man, yelling out incomprehensible gibberish, repeating it to himself like some kind of song. i think he was marching up and down the streets because i would hear his voice growing more and more distant until it disappeared, and then it would come closer again. i sat by my window with my lights off and listened to this man for about 15 minutes before he went silent. i caught a glimpse of him as he went under a streetlight, he was just stumbling around, dragging himself very slowly. probably just a drunk homeless man. it just made me feel weird for some reason. ugh. i don't know. i don't like this place.

18-07-22 11:48pm
i'm good and how are you?

*my sleep schedule is all over the place but it's not my fault, i can't keep the nocturnal creature inside me chained forever, it takes over eventually!

*everything is all set for september and i can't stop thinking about it. anxiety mixed with excitement bubbling inside of me like a delicious soup.

*i saw midnight's vet on tv the other day and thought, that's so cool.

*i learned today that my dad had noticed something weird in his mouth a couple days ago and fully convinced himself that he had a cancer of some type - then he got it checked by a doctor this morning and apparently he had just burnt the roof of his mouth from drinking his tea too hot. eye ROLL.

10-07-22 4:03am
aaghhuhgh

there's literal lightning bolts going off in the sky and i'm supposed to just see that and go on with my day like it's a normal thing? OKAY. i've been reading a lot lately about people losing their minds in nature, even very experienced professionals. it's crazy that it can just so easily break a mind like that. we are surrounded by this magnificent untamable THING all the time and we don't even take a second to think about how crazy that is. i live in a big city so i don't have much experience being face to face with nature, maybe that's why it is both my biggest fear and my biggest fascination. if i wasn't so deathly afraid of it i would like to go deep sea diving one day, or explore a forest or a really big ice cave, take notes on everything i see and make a long documentary about it all. this thunderstorm is making me want to strip naked and run away from everything i know, climb a mountain, lay on the grass, cover myself with dirt and let the earth swallow me. yes it is 4 in the morning i'm glad you asked.

08-07-22 1:35am
appreciating life

i went out the other night with no purpose, got off at a random train stop and walked around a random neighborhood for half an hour. it had been a while since i'd done that and it just felt like it was time again. a long train ride followed by a long walk and a mental chitchat with god. i came across a drawing on a pole that i believe was a sign and it's comforted me about something that i was not too sure about before. i guess i just needed something to show me i was doing the right thing. a couple days after that, me and my friend visited an art museum and a tall historical tower. the ferry ride back at night with all the shining far away city lights felt very special, making dumb jokes and not caring about the people that can hear us laugh, having run all the way down to the coast to catch the last boat. also in the museum i saw this written on a wall and i liked it:

-is he as cute as his e-mail?
-i hope she likes my war games.

it's nice to get out of my head sometimes. the world is beautiful. on the night i was walking around the city it almost made me cry how beautiful the world is. i wrote this down in my notes: "life is precious and the passage of time terrifies me."

30-06-22 8:50pm
i didn't forget i promise

hi...! i noticed it's been a while since the last time i wrote an update here. there's not much happening in my life right now so no exciting news. i've been busy with a couple things here and there but other than that it's just been a whole lot of video games. i got so anxious today out of the blue. i could feel this small thought in my head snowballing and snowballing to the point where it felt like the most important thing in the world and i couldn't think about anything else. why did god make anxiety an emotion. ugh. i know it'll be fine. i just need to stop being so afraid of life.

i have so many ideas for things that i don't know where to start. all of it is so abstract in my brain that i don't know how to turn them into tangible things and it's so hard to stay motivated. i know i won't get anywhere by only acting upon my ideas during random energy spikes and yet i continue to sit here and waste my precious seconds. sigh. and deep down, i'm afraid of the outside world and what they will think. i don't know why i care about it so much. aren't i doing it for myself...? but the validation would be nice... no, we don't need that. ok. sorry. that was the two parts of my brain arguing. curse this world and everything in it.

but hi. i'm still here, just a bit preoccupied. please hold the line while i get my shit together.

25-05-22 1:13pm
people, cars, people in cars

i'm sitting by myself behind a car just outside campus right now, eating plums, watching the cars struggle on the steep hill i just walked down on. wow. what a fun year this was. if i were to rate the first year of my university experience i think i'd give it a.... 6/10? maybe? 6,5? that seems about right. i didn't really get to live the whole "uni life" this year that people always talk about. so far i have just been the quiet weird girl. as always. that's just who i am.

22-05-22 6:29pm
crow rejection, highschool nostalgia

last night i dreamed that i made friends with a crow and held it in my arms like a baby. this morning, i woke up, got dressed, grabbed a small bag of cat food, and went outside to try to befriend some crows. i know they like cat food because every time i try to feed the neighborhood cats they (the crows) try to steal it. unfortunately i came home this afternoon, disappointed, and having made zero crow friends. i got ignored by every single crow i tried to initiate a friendship with. they didn't even respond to my amazing crow noises. i will try to not let this discourage me because i read online that the key to befriending crows is consistency and patience. i respect that, and i will respectfully keep trying until they accept me into their gang.

on another note, i've been thinking about how abruptly highschool ended for me. covid hit right at the beginning of the second semester of my last year so i didn't even get to have a proper graduation, no real ending, no closure. one day i just went to school not knowing it was going to be my last day, the last time i see a lot of people, the last time i talk a lot of friends. there's only one person i still talk to from that period of my life and i feel like if she hadn't made such an effort to keep in touch with me i would have lost her too. i just sent a birthday message to someone that used to be one of my best friends back then, "i hope one day we can go back to how we used to be", but i'm not sure if i even believe that myself. there's a chance i might see her again soon and i don't know how to feel about it. we go to the same university yet we never talk, neither of us brave enough to reach out because of just how weird and suddenly our friendship ended. sigh. it's weird. things are weird. i am a completely different person than i used to be back then. my hair is long now. i wonder if she will comment on it.

18-05-22 7:54pm
feelings

today was a weird day. i walked to the bus stop with the wind blowing the rain towards me, my head down and my lungs burning. i felt like crying but didn't, i crossed the street, and i made sure to pass by the right side of the tree. i witnessed a man almost get run over by a car and thought about how that could have been me. i thought, if it had been me, i would have just curled up in a ball on the sidewalk and cried and cried until someone stopped me. then i got on the crowded bus and zoned out for the next forty minutes. i like crowded busses. it makes me feel like i'm a part of an ant colony.

i speedwalked the twenty minute walk home in ten minutes, and when i finally stepped into the apartment building, an old friend i hadn't seen in months was waiting for me at the stairs leading up to the elevators. i think she recognized me as well. i could tell from the fact that her tail was straight up, too friendly and trusting of me for a random stray cat.

she did circles around me, i pet her a bit, then went upstairs to get her some food. she ate the wet food i gave her so quickly and ate so much of it that i got worried she would get sick and throw up. as she was eating i went outside and stood in the rain, i looked at the sky and the trees and the leaves on the ground, and for just that moment, life felt beautiful and full of meaning again.

16-05-22 10:21pm
okay now time for an actual life update

AAAAH. did i scare you. lol. you should've seen your face.

the other night i dreamed about the death of two family members. it was two seperate dreams: in the first one i was in the car with my dad, just driving around the neighborhood. everything was normal until my dad accidentally cut someone off in traffic or something mundane like that, which is totally normal and happens all the time and surely isn't something to get too angry about. from that point on i could feel that something was wrong, but still we kept on going, not realizing that the man my dad had cut off was one of those crazy-insane-scary-unpredictible people that are set off by the smallest things and that he was following us home to get his revenge. i don't quite remember how everything unfolded but the dream ended with the man stabbing my dad repeatedly in the chest and me kneeling over him, crying and calling out for my mom. i bolted awake at 4am, horrified.

whenever i have dreams like that i always feel scared to go back to sleep - i don't know if you've gathered this about me from my previous posts but i have a weird relationship with my dreams, in the sense that that they tend to leak into my daily life - but i did fall back asleep after all, and in the second dream i saw my granddad die. this one wasn't as dramatic, actually it was just an event that took place in a bigger dream. i don't remember much about it, just that it was a thing that happened. like a very distant and blurry memory. weird that it was two in a row.

other than that... well, life is going on still. i wake up every day and do life. waiting for summer. it actually is starting to get quite warm now and it's disgusting. it's not the heat i'm looking forward to but all the free time i'm going to have on my hands. four whole months. so many possibilities. i should do something with all that time. also i think the website i was using for my guestbook went down or something so i will need to make a new one. some day. not today.

16-05-22 8:36pm
OFFICES. how cool are they?

(listen to this while reading for the full experience)

there's something about offices. the neatly divided up cubicles. the sound of so many fingers tapping on keyboards simultaneously. everyone with their mugs of coffee. they intrigue me. my dad is a bank manager and my mom used to be one as well before she retired, which means i spent a lot of time in offices as a child. they would sometimes take me to work with them and i would just snoop around all day, talk to the office people, go into all the employee only rooms, make necklaces out of paper clips and rubber bands. no one could say anything to me because, well, my dad is the manager: i get special privileges.

i loved the basement storage room the most. sure, the big safe where all the money is kept was cool and all, but the storage room! oh! it was always colder than the rest of the office, dark and cold with a slightly damp atmosphere. boxes everywhere. so much history and knowledge stored in folders upon folders stacked on shelves. i know no one that works in an office actually likes working in an office, but to me they have always been kind of charming. i would like to work in one some day, maybe not for the rest of my life, but for a little bit.

12-05-22 10:16am
feeling o-kay

today i woke up and everything felt fine. there was a blond man in my dream and we were laying in a bed together, talking to each other with our faces very close and our lips would sometimes touch very slightly. yet another man that doesn't exist but i still wake up and think about it for the next 3 hours. i have been really slacking off on my dream journal lately... i used to write down every single dream i had but now i just get lazy and then all i have are misspelled and ultimately incomprehensible notes app entries that i wrote with my eyes closed at 4am. i should get back into writing them out properly and all fleshed out. hmmmm. yeah.

i have an hour and 40 minutes before i have to leave for class so technically i could use that time to write out the last couple dreams i've had and also work on my website and get started on an acutal blog where i can post these entries. so far i have just been scribbling them down in my notebook or the notes app. i should probably stop typing this and get to it. yeah okay. okay okay i'm leaving! jeez!!!

11-05-22 1:40pm
city sounds

i skipped my second class of the day today and the early bus ride home felt so nice in a way i can only decribe as a warm hug. i almost wanted to not get off and ride it until the last stop but then people started arguing around me so i left.

10-05-22 11:26am
hungry, bored, want to go home

hello again. second post! woo!

life is kind of weird right now. not bad necessarily, just... weird. it's been weird since the last time i wrote here. i stayed over at my friend's house on sunday, we played games and watched movies and did sleepover things and it was fun. i also spent most of the day after that with her and came home in the late evening, exhausted from all the socializing, but when another friend (let's just call him that for now) asked if we could talk for a bit, i couldn't say no. that night, after we hung up, i had a breakdown.

i was making a playlist for him, and i guess going through old songs combined with the fact that it was 2am and i was already very tired did something to my brain and i broke. maybe i will write more about it sometime later. these used to be a monthly thing, as if it was on a schedule, i could even predict sometimes when the next one was going to happen... but it hadn't happened in a long time. i don't know why they were happening, i don't know why they stopped, and i'm not too sure what made it happen again that night. you know how sometimes everything hits at once?

after that whole thing there was a national holiday so i didn't go to school that week. i didn't go to school, so of course that meant i didn't go outside at all, didn't even shower because i didn't feel the need to. maybe it was a necessary break but i really was starting to feel like a sloth person by the end of it. on saturday, i decided to not sleep, and on sunday, i felt like a new person. the all-nighter i pulled felt like a new beginning, as silly as that might sound to you. like a spiritual reset. i'll probably also write more on that later. but... that was this week. it's left me feeling weird in a way i don't know how to describe.

the lecture is almost over now so i'll just continue when the next one starts. that will be in an hour or two but for you it's right there below. weird to think about it. okay bye. :wave:

next class, 1:56pm
hungry (still) but not as bored

i like this class. it's one of the few classes i actually enjoy and find interesting. right now we are just looking at translated book covers and comparing them to the originals and having a discussion and it's actually really fun. what's weird and kind of funny is that there is an active yoga lesson or something going on outside, in the grassy area where most university activities take place, there's calming yoga music playing very loudly and a woman's voice shouting through loudspeakers giving instructions: "take a deep breath... now hold it for five seconds... calmly exhale..." as we continue on with our class. very strange. but we are ignoring it.

during my hour long break i just walked around and ate the apple i had brought with me in a little ziplock bag. i also ate one in the morning as a quick snack before class so i guess i am the type of person that eats two apples a day now. but really, i am trying to eat healthier - i made that decision the other day during my sleep deprivation enduced enlightenment, the one that i briefly mentioned. after i ate my apple, i returned back to campus and on my way to the arts faculty i saw a cigarette on the ground that someone probably dropped, and guess what, i picked it up and now it's mine. i don't plan on smoking it (i don't smoke, never have) but i just felt like i should pick it up for some reason. i put it in the ziplock bag where the apple used to be. maybe that's a subtle symbolism from the universe... out goes the apple and in goes the cigarette. do you think that means anything? should i smoke the ground cigarette? maybe i should add comments to these posts.

well, i think that's all for now. the lecture is coming to an end and i believe i got everything i wanted to say out, soooo... i'll talk to you later. thank you if you take the time to actually read these entries. we should get coffee sometime.

29-04-22 9:51pm
first post!

wow... hi. i guess this will be my first post here. it's been a while since i last updated this website. a week to be exact. i started building it on the 11th, worked almost every day on it until the 22nd, and then just kinda stopped. school has been very very tiring and it just drains all my energy out of my body so i have no more to work on my own personal projects. sigh. if it wasn't so damn tiring i could really enjoy school. maybe also if homework was optional and exams weren't as scary. but this is the real world and in this world it sucks. so there.

the reason i am writing this right now is because i really want to blog but tumblr's last update looks so horrible that i just can't bring myself to post there. plus i've abandoned it now in a way, i've essentially said "i can do it better myself" and left. the way my blog looks with the new update makes me uncomfortable. they moved around all the buttons for no reason and now it's just weird and there's all this empty space below posts and i hate it. which is why i want to create this safe place for myself.

next night, 30-04-22 10:54pm
wasted day

umm. this is awkward but i forgot to continue writing this post. i only now remembered when i got in my bed. this happens all the time. i look forward to days where i can finally have time for myself and then when i'm there i waste it all doing nothing. then, as my body is starting to wind down for sleep, suddenly i want to do a million things, work on all of my projects at once, talk to all of my friends, practice the piano, go for a walk, learn how to cook, fly to the moon and back. but too tired for any of it. i will still write this post though.

i was supposed to meet up with my friend today and stay over at her house but it didn't happen. if it had, i would be in someone else's bed right now, probably busy doing something other than writing this post. yet here i am instead because i lied to her yesterday and said that i had too much homework i needed to get done and that i couldn't come. it will still happen, only tomorrow, we are going to play games and watch movies and do sleepover things and it will be fun. i just needed a day of doing nothing in between the school tiredness i already felt and the upcoming socializing tiredness, you know? but i did a little too much of nothing and now my relaxing me-time day is wasted. sigh.

i had a strange dream yesterday. i was in a very deep pool (i think it was a pool?) and by very deep i mean very very very deep, it was like i was at the bottom of the ocean, floating in the water, having no trouble breathing but not questioning it at all, and there were thousands of jellyfish everywhere. i say thousands but really... i have no idea. it felt like millions. for as far as i could see, there were jellyfish above me, jellyfish below me, jellyfish all around me, jellyfish everywhere. it wasn't scary though, it was just magical. it felt very special. fear didn't even cross my mind. it was so vivid that i can almost picture it still. i think this dream has changed the way i will look at jellyfishes forever.

i had so many thoughts yesterday but they must have all leaked out of my ears while i slept. i guess this will be all. it's midnight already? i have been writing this for an hour? i should go. i'm sure you have things to do as well. talk later.

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